I worked politics at one point in my career. I truly wish this parody wasn’t reality. I can’t do that.
I even wrote prize-winning editorials in Texas, telling readers exactly what their 60 percent voter turnout meant in the Lone Star State, an all-time high as I recall in my lifetime, the day is was published.
While even the newest, most poorly executed versions of Democracy the world over typically boasted minimal figures of 90 percent or better voter turnout, we get mighty proud when we get over half the populace to show up in our country. Such turnouts were common in the post-911 days of apocalypse some of you may remember. I can’t say I’ve seen it since.
While impressive for any election I could ever recall in my years, it betrayed another set of numbers none of us wanted to see: Although 60 percent of any given population may seem like a lot, a full 40 percent – often tens or hundreds of thousands of people – did not vote. As I was proud to point out in my newspaper days, that meant several thousand people in my county, “either through personal or criminal conviction,” had something better to do on election day.
Sadly, I find myself despicably tied to the latter in current political landscapes. I now hold what my state calls felony crimes, a clear deterrent to the voting process. I may have done my time – I’m even told I could once again cast my ballot – but why on earth would I want to?
On the Democratic side, I have a woman (Clinton) who most news factions say could finally break the glass ceiling that’s held her kind back for so many years, someone with a famous last name and all the flare of a middle school social studies teacher; a self-proclaimed Communist (Sanders), or rather “socialist democrat;” and some black dude with an Irish sounding name (Carson), who I’m sorry, but holds as much chance of succeeding as Jesse Jackson did in his race against Reagan.
Republicans feature a rather confused Hispanic (Cruz), another famously named candidate (Bush III)who doesn’t stand a rat’s chance in tiger’s pit, and a bad-haired individual named Trump, who I keep expecting Candid Camera to jump from their hiding places to explain we’ve all been duped.
Sorry, man, we were just messing with you…
Billions. With a B. That’s what it’s going to take to make our next President. Fuck ideas. To hell with ideologies. Kiss my ass foreign policy. Dollars will ultimately prove victor.
So you ready? Let’s all vote for Gil. (Sorry, he ain’t on the ballot. My bad…)